It’s almost 6am. I’ve been lying here for almost 3 hours and I just can’t sleep.
Memories, that’s the problem. Those memories or thoughts that steal your sleep away.
Okay, so everyone has their bad nights and goes through an overthinking stage, but for me, tonight is harder than normal. These memories are over 2 years old, but everyday I suffer with them. They are practically living nightmares.
So what am I thinking? Why are things more difficult tonight then normal.
You may have read my blog from many moons ago, about a horrible situation I was in with my ex. Well, that still affects me. Every day. Without fail.
2 years ago this month, I was verbally and emotionally abused. I went to the police because of the harassment I also faced from him. And since then, we haven’t spoken. Which you may think is fantastic! It is, of course, but at the same time, it’s difficult. Because now, I have to live my life suffering with the pain he caused me. I wish there was a way to talk to him, just once more; tell me how I feel and that’d be it. I guess what I’m trying to say is I want closure from the situation. I’ve been wanting that for ages, but I need to accept that will never happen. I’m too scared of him. The mental scars he left me is too powerful.
You may be wondering why I can’t just move on? I wish it was as simple as that. I’m happy now, I have the most wonderful boyfriend, family and friends, but for some reason, my brain reminds me of the pain of losing what I could have once considered a friend.
I’m fed up of feeling lost. I’m fed up of being hurt. I’m fed up of the constant panic attacks I have when I see someone with the same hairstyle, or clothing, or shoes.
After my dark thoughts have started to subside, I like to try and comfort myself by asking myself “What would I have said to him if I could?” I have too many answers though. Sometimes doing this makes me sad, because I will never get the chance to say them to his face. I said this to my mental health adviser and mentor on many occasions. They then suggested to me to write a letter. They said, “You don’t have to give it to him, but write down exactly how you feel into the letter.”
I wanted to do this so badly. But I was too scared to do it. Even now I’m terrified of writing how I feel. But this may be the only way I can finally get closure.
So…. Here goes… today I’ve decided to write/share my letter with you.
Dear (Name hidden for confidentiality),
I want to start by saying I hope you are well.
I’m writing because I need to share with you exactly how I feel. You need to know the constant panic attacks I have because of you.
4 years ago, I could have said I loved you. At the time, I meant it. But you changed. You became selfish, abusive, mean, you wouldn’t listen. You spent most of our relationship guilt tripping me amongst other things. It’s only when you broke up with me that I realised our relationship was a lie. You lost feelings for me. I can imagine exactly what you are saying right now, but you said yourself about 2 and a half years ago, that you stopped loving me months before. Don’t you know how much it hurt to hear that? Didn’t you realise you led me on for months without thinking about the effect it had on me?
Honestly, looking back, I was hardly emotional about our breakup. What hurt was that we argued. I hate arguing. What hurt more was that even though our relationship didn’t work, I lost a friend who I could have a laugh with. That’s what broke me.
Going forward months later, you find out I’m with a new guy, and you lashed out at me again because of it. You had no right to do that, you were the one who let me down. I had moved on by this point. I was happy. But no, you had to keep my mobile number. You had to constantly phone me. Telling me to calm down when you were the one swearing at me with a loud voice. You had to emotionally abuse me, yet blame me for it.
I was fed up. Yes I hung up, you phoned back, I hung up again. I told you I didn’t want to hear you swearing or shouting at me. After being in a relationship with you, I felt that this abuse was sort of similar to the abuse you gave me before. Being the caring type, I tried to suppress the hurt, and still wanted to be your friend. I wanted to help save you from the dark path you were clearly heading down.
But you didn’t see that. You tried to trick me saying you wanted to marry me. I knew that was a lie. I promised you that I’d “think” about meeting up so we could talk things through. I wanted to speak to my partner first about it. I wanted him to feel comfortable with me meeting you. He wasn’t, and so I made the decision not to meet up with you. You then got aggressive again, even though I told you when I said I’d “think” about it, that you must respect my decisions no matter what I decided. You accepted my terms so why did you shout at me saying I broke my promise? I did “think” about it, and turned you down. I was right to, because as my partner said, “He’s just trying to get you back.”
That last phone call was the last time I ever spoke to you. However this wasn’t the last time you tried to speak to me. Phone call after phone call. Text after text. Trying to get through to me. Did you know you tried to phone me like 6 times in about a minute? I got fed up, I got scared, and so I blocked your number. However, this didn’t really properly work because it still told me when you tried to ring. By the next morning you had tried to phone me about 60 times, and you still didn’t get the message that I didn’t want to speak to you.
My parents, my sister and my partner all knew about your constant phone calls and texts and the one thing came to all of our minds even when I didn’t want to believe it; you were harassing me. With help from my partner we decided to go to the police for support. I didn’t want to scare you. I didn’t want to hurt you. But I wanted you to leave me alone. I was terrified by you…
When I had to write down the evidence of all the times of the phone calls and messages, my very useless mobile blocking app also showed me your text messages. I don’t remember them all, but you should remember the two most important ones; “Don’t open your legs, because I feel sorry for whoever you bring into this world,” and “I feel sorry for whoever knows you.” The first sentence hurt more than the second, but both still broke me. I read them when I was on the phone to my sister. I burst into tears. I was so emotional that even my Mum had to come upstairs and comfort me.
The police had to be the last resort, and it worked. The amazing, but terrifying officer said she’d help me, and she phoned you to give you a warning. She even told me that if you ever spoke to me again, you’d have police at your door. Although I was happy that I had the police understanding how I felt, I later felt guilty. I should have thought things through better. Because now, the memories of you abusing and hurting me keep flashing through my mind, and I know the only possible way I can get over it, is by talking to you once and for all. That will never happen though. And so I’m finding other ways to get better.
You must know all of the above already, as you lived it as well, but what you don’t know is what I’ve been wanting to say to you ever since you hurt me. Words I’ll never be able to say to you face to face.
Here goes… I forgive you…
I forgive you. This isn’t me saying, “Let’s be friends again” or anything like that. Time has moved on and I’m happy now, as you are probably happy now too. But sometimes forgiving someone is the only way to move on, and I’ll be honest, it took a lot of time to realise this. I had those bad thoughts and bad things I wanted to do/say to you. But this is definitely not the right way to think or act, and I feel guilty for ever thinking this. So I’m sorry. You may have hurt me mentally, verbally and more; but I know deep down you’re not the person who does those things. You know that yourself. Unfortunately due to circumstances, this is bound to be part of who you are. And I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry I couldn’t help you.
Although you may have done some terrible things, I will never forget the things you did help me with. I built confidence; especially when it came to standing up for myself. I know you’ve seen that too, I’ve stood up for myself many times due to something you said or done.
There is so much I wish I could say, maybe that’ll come in another letter at some point in the very far future. But for now, I want to cut ties with you. You’ve caused me so much pain and anguish.
Now, I want to live MY happy life. I have a loving partner, amazing family and awesome friends. I no longer want to suffer from what you once said and done.
So, this is it, my final farewell. I hope you have a wonderful life. Goodbye. Sincerely,
A friend once told me, “You never forget your first love.” I didn’t believe her, but now I do. I will never properly forget about him. But maybe that’s for the best. Because what you live and learn from your relationship makes you stronger and better for the future. And I learnt a lot. I grew a lot. I changed a lot. I changed for the better.
I’m not expecting this letter to heal me as such, but make things easier instead. Help me come to terms with what I’ve gone through. Time is a healer. It’s taken 2 years, but I can finally walk past where he used to walk and feel okay. Now I have the other stuff to get over, but it will come… it’ll just take time…
I know this has been a really long post this time, but it has had to be done. If you have made it this far, I just want to say, thank you for reading. Also, if you have been abused or anything like that, then believe me when I say there is support out there. I’m grateful for my close relationships with my family, friends and partner. I’ve seen counsellors, psychiatrists, doctors, mental health advisers and mentors. I’m also on medication to help me cope with what I was faced with. This isn’t a sign of weakness. This is a sign of me wanting to get better, and so doing these are actually making me stronger. But again, believe me when I say, it will take time. But I promise you, it will eventually get easier.