When Grief Changes You

I haven’t posted about these things before on my website, but it’s important to talk about.

*Content Warning: Brain Tumours and Death*

Grief is difficult. When we consider death, it happens to everyone at some point. We know that. But we don’t want to think about it. And when it happens, it knocks you for six.

I remember I was months into my first year of my masters when my Grandma passed away from a grade 4 brain tumour. She had been in the hospital for a little while, from what we or I believed was a stroke. Then we heard the difficult news. Within weeks, she had completely changed and, unfortunately, lost her life in June 2021.

I remember then feeling numb. But I tried to push all sorts of feelings – the physical and mental pain, aside.

But it came back to bite me…

In August 2024, we were told my Grandad (my Grandma’s husband) had a grade 4 brain tumour. We were told he had 3-6 months to live. He passed after 2. Before his diagnosis, my family did what we had to do to take care of him. We had to almost carry him to different places around our house. He was told he couldn’t drive any more, due to our fears that he may have been developing dementia. This was after he’d fallen in the front garden and hit his head.

I witnessed things and have trauma from those days – I was the one who had to pull him up from the ground and clean his injuries, for example. And this was only my own experience, let alone the care my family also gave him.

When he passed, I felt numb again, but this time I was fully aware of what I was feeling.

I felt a knot in my tummy tighten, my head dizzy, and I felt nauseous. It felt like my heart just gave way, and that I was sinking.

And the thing that I hadn’t imagined is how much grief changed me.

When my Grandma passed, I was determined to make her proud. And that was my mission. But there wasn’t much I could do as I was still bed-bound with my ME/CFS.

When my Grandad passed, I started to think and feel differently. It felt like I had to grow myself up more.

And because I completely changed as a person, and my whole life turned upside down due to their passings, I felt lost.

I needed to be there for my family. Help the best way I could, whilst not recognising myself.

I stopped enjoying things I once enjoyed. I felt emotionally and physically empty.

With time and medicine, I have slowly been finding enjoyment in life again. But that knot? That heart-giving-away feeling? That’s still there. Every day.

Grief isn’t easy. Some can be okay within weeks. For others, it could last longer, months, maybe years.

And some never get over it.

I haven’t yet.

But I have to live as this new person now. The old me has gone, and I guess that’s okay. Deep down, I wish we didn’t have to experience all the things we did, but we’re all trying to keep ourselves going.

As for me, I made a promise to make them proud. And to keep going. One of the last conversations I had with my Grandad was him sharing his regret for not doing certain things in life. “I should have lived more.” He said as we sat on a bench in town, weeks before his diagnosis.

Because of what he said, I am now determined to make my life meaningful, do things to challenge myself, and live.

I owe them, and this new me, that.

This meant pushing myself to finally apply for my MPhil/PhD, start preparing to release my music, go on more adventures, and see more concerts and theatre shows. It’s volunteering more and trying to make a difference now, and for future generations.

It’s a long road, but we’ll get there – I just need to remember to be mindful, to take baby steps and to be kind to myself.

If you are going through grief, please be kind to yourself. It is difficult, but please don’t forget, you aren’t alone.

And in memory of my Grandma and Grandad, I hope I make you proud.